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This one wont be fun to read. But I felt I should talk about it. So like the majority of this blog, I expect it to be ignored.

So a lot of you have read this blog and youve seen when I get fired up about something, I really get fired up. Strings of animated exaggerations and excessive use of expletives. A lot of your know that some of this is by design, because watching someone get worked up can be entertaining and to some extent, this is true. But as some of you who know me personally or say from my facebook, youve seen that sometimes the Rage Quitter just spits rage. That is just who I am. 

I admit, its hard to stay out of my head sometimes. Im not saying I hear voices, but I certainly hear suggestions and a lot of them dont get along with me. Sometimes they spurn anger, sometimes they bring me down. I dont feel like I have a lot of outlets, so when I feel I need to relate to something, I fire this game up. Im no doctor, I havent been diagnosed with depression. But playing this struck a chord with me, and I really want to share my thoughts on it. 

DEPRESSION QUEST(PC)

You may have heard of this game amidst the whole atrocity that is the GamerGate controversy. Now this isnt an article about that whole movement, because its been done to death and frankly Im tired of hearing about it. But at the onset of this whole debacle, it hinged off developer Zoe Quinn allegedly trying to get press for this title. Assumptions aside, it did bring the title to light to me, and I felt I should give it a shot.

Now, I use the term game loosely, because there is a bit of game aspect. You make decisions, and a story plays out, and there is a beginning and end. But more so than a game, I would akin this to a digital version of a Choose Your Own Adventure story from when I was a kid. There isnt a lot you can do other than read along with the narrative, and make decisions as you go.

As far as the story goes, you play a mid 20s personality who is in a stable and exclusive relationship with a partner named Alex. You have a day to day part time job that is covering the bills so you are living comfortably. You have a generally wide social circle consisting of old friend and co-workers but you wished you were doing something more with your life, and your parents are sort of pushing for that too.

But its a struggle, you tend to struggle with motivation issues, which gives the impression of being lazy, and tend to fixate on things you cant really control.  The narrative writes you as very much internally conflicted, confused. and more than that frustrated because everyone else doesnt seem to have to deal with the problems you have.

When I first played this game, I felt if I were to really understand the experience I would have to make decisions closest to what decisions I would actually make, rather than ones I thought I might affect the game. So this is what I did. I found it a bit surprising how many of the options felt natural depending on the given situation. Granted, this isnt a game where you are going to wind up in a fantastical situation, these are just normal everyday circumstances. 

Now I think the big aspect of this game that really sells it comes into the decision making. Yes, you really are just clicking links along as you read the story, and it does effect the path and the outcome a bit. But where its cleverness lies is how it guides the story. With each click of a link your decisions change, and if you starting making more decisions that line up with the behavior of depression then on the next page a number of the decisions you make will be struck through.

It paints a good picture, or at least it did to me, of how the mind can turn on itself and make would would feel like simple decisions, seemingly impossible to make. If you happen to start to veer down a certain path, it just gets that much harder for you to make decisions that would improve the situation. It spirals down and as the difficulty increases, you find that the other characters will see an increased level of frustration as well.

There is a specific section of this game that stung me in heart as I read through it. Its just a few short paragraphs, but it basically mirrored an issue that I have personally struggled with for what feels like 20 years now. In it, it is 2am on a workday, and you are laying in bed awake. Literally every thought that runs through your head is twisting on you and you are being hammered with anxiety. By this point, most of the decisions you can make will be locked off, but what really makes them brilliant is how they read.

For some of the internal decisions, it shows more of the struggle of the mind trying to rationalize the difficulty of what should be a simple decision. The bargain with oneself, the confusion over the inexplicable difficulty of something that should be simple, and the eventual turn and self defeat as you turn on yourself. This, my dear reader, is probably the thing that hit me closest to home. This is something I personally have struggled with on more than one occasion. This was the point where realized there might be something to the value of this game. 

Throughout the experience, there is a very somber piano tone that continues to play through the experience, its used as a supplement to bring down mood of they player, help them get into the role of the struggling protagonist, and you can almost hear the rain falling against the window of a dimly lit room as you play it.

Its also complimented visually because at the bottom of each section, it shows you how depressed you are, and if you are currently doing anything to help it. If you continue to spiral downward, its static-y appearance becomes harder and more difficult to read, more scrambled. Not unlike the mind of someone who might be struggling. 

I have mixed feelings on the reactions I have received from the other characters in this. For example, the mother is overbearing and is painted as somewhat difficult to talk to about your negative emotions. Some friends seem to have a 6th sense for noticing you are out of sorts. To a degree, I almost found everyone a bit too understanding. These arent experiences Ive had, so obviously didnt relate to it as much.

However, I understand at this is somewhat of a subjective narrative and might be written from the past experiences of the developers themselves. So perhaps they have tighter knit circles who would notice these things. Its not like when you show signs in the game you should expect to be met with outright aggression, been told to "get over it", or have someone try to belittle the issue by telling you how much worse off they are then you. These are things that can happen, but I am sure they arent common, so I dont know why I would have expected such a tailor made experience to my own. People are different, and they react different ways. Frustration takes many forms I guess.

But ultimately, as you might expect, there is no "winning" in a game like this. I have played it through many, MANY times. And I have tried to see if I was ever able to figure out what combinations of things you can do to unlock all the options. Honestly, I dont think its possible. Ive tried to make choices that seem like they would result in the most positive outcome, and the best Ive done is managed to stop my relationships from breaking up, and gotten myself on the path of wellness (both things Ive struggled to do in my actual life). 

Its really a shame that the whole GamerGate thing dragged this in the mud, because while this obviously isnt going to be a 100% depiction of how depression might affect everyone, I feel it could be used as a tool for those who are frustrated with someone they might know who shows signs of it. In my case, it felt like it was a pretty accurate representation of how at least my mind works. Able to present myself with all the available options, realizing which ones might be helpful, but somehow, unable to make those decisions.

Its clear to me that the developers want to help. They provided the game online for free, and strongly feel you should play it at least once. But on top of that they also provide links for places people who are struggling might find help, such as the suicide prevention hotline, or services where you can help contribute to help raise awareness. Not only that but they are also donating a portion of their proceeds that they receive for the game to depression awareness organizations. Its admirable. 

At the very least, for me, It gave me the sense that at least someone out there understands. Someone whos felt the same struggle Ive internalized (and sometimes verbalized) for years.  As I play through the words of this were very much in my head. And if you dont feel its worth a purchase or a contribution thats fine, but I do feel its something you should play at least once. You might learn something. 

Seriously people. Dont ever tell someone to "get over it".

It might be the least helpful thing you can do.